One of the greatest strengths about growing up, is the ability to see things for what they really are - the bare naked truth about facts which more often are less romantic than our optimistic(or fearful) minds are willing to accept. And it is liberating - like a cloud clearing up and consciousness shining bright.
Being in a constant denial about reality has been part of my existence for a long time. Denial of both good and bad (and essentially unique) about me. the good - I have smart analytical mind that latches on sentiments and does a very efficient and often accurate analysis of a situation; the bad - I have a highly sensitive self doubting brain, jaded with many past apprehensions that came true, that it is constantly on guard and analyzing a constant stream of events looking for triggers(clinical term for this being often referred to as anxiety). "Did I just offend them", "what did they mean when they said X", "Did they just say a mean thing to me disguised as banter", Does my boss think I suck at my job", "Did the hotel staff just had a repulsive tone in their voice because they think they are entitled to behaving unprofessionally with me because of my skin color"- all this stemming from minute interactions that my brain has latched on to. Almost in all cases, for the subjects, it is just a fleeting moment in their life - but for the anxious, these keep running in a loop.
How to break the loop - i don't know the answer yet! However, few techniques have helped me a little towards betterment
Being in a constant denial about reality has been part of my existence for a long time. Denial of both good and bad (and essentially unique) about me. the good - I have smart analytical mind that latches on sentiments and does a very efficient and often accurate analysis of a situation; the bad - I have a highly sensitive self doubting brain, jaded with many past apprehensions that came true, that it is constantly on guard and analyzing a constant stream of events looking for triggers(clinical term for this being often referred to as anxiety). "Did I just offend them", "what did they mean when they said X", "Did they just say a mean thing to me disguised as banter", Does my boss think I suck at my job", "Did the hotel staff just had a repulsive tone in their voice because they think they are entitled to behaving unprofessionally with me because of my skin color"- all this stemming from minute interactions that my brain has latched on to. Almost in all cases, for the subjects, it is just a fleeting moment in their life - but for the anxious, these keep running in a loop.
How to break the loop - i don't know the answer yet! However, few techniques have helped me a little towards betterment
- see things for what they are and accept it, even if it isn't the most palatable - for example person A does not like you (or despises you) even though you really want them to like you, you messed up job B, person C is a genuine person trying to make a connection and hence deserves a detached chance, person D and you (once often publicly declared by D as buddies for life)have grown apart, You did GREAT at job C, you a perfect normal human being with follies and stupidity and extreme intelligence and creativity and genuine empathy and uniquely YOU
- Lower expectations - often mentioned, difficult to follow through. Rely on no one, expect nothing - be grateful if something nice shows up once in a while but have no attachment to it. Take life at its present moment, enjoy and spread love and affection, and then distance yourself from the experience
- Root yourself in YOU - the most favorable grounds for true blooming of your soul. Cities, jobs, people, pets, weather , the favorite tea cup, eyesight, etc everything might "fail" or abandon you - but one thing that you CAN control is your behavior. Take pills , do yoga , go to counselling but get that self-love flowing unabashed
- remember these two Stoic phrases - MEMENTO MORI and AMOR FATI
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