the One true love

You helped me walk through the darkness,
one that messed up serotonin levels can cause!
Triggered by events, augmented by  broken souls
I was on the verge of tears, and you held my hand


you told me "it will be alright:
you reminded me how things have been worse in the past
Helped me imagine my Phoenician rise
And relive my past accomplishments!

When haters hate, and i welcome them in my life
with unquestioning faith on humanity and its need to connect
I did ignore your voice, relegated you to the indifference
And yet you came, today, sitting by me as i woke up!

Talking to me, soothing my painful awakening
while I was blaming myself for my weaknesses
you came and shone light upon me
and I went cooing, just like the bard had sung - Je Raate Mor

I wish I had  a way to have you with me always
my alter ego - somewhere down the road, we finally started being in love!

war lost

even before the battle was declared
i had the lost the war to someone else
the prize i thought i was vying for
already has chosen the prestigious kind

the one that brings glory and privilege
and choice that would be lauded by generations
of enslaved minds with Stockholm syndrome
the moment my soul was placed amongst the genes
i was doomed of always being the second best
i can be your fleeting fantasy
your respite when you are tired of pleasing your toy
the one you are grooming and nurturing to fulfill
the remnants of some latent desires
of gaining your rightful place in this world

sadly i do understand the rules of the game too well
i know even though you might be the one with the choice
you also had the lost the war by the sheer quirk of fate
long before you were given any chance to a fair play

so all i can do is wish all the best for you
may us, in a few hundred years
have a free will, untainted by standards already set
by events of few hundred years back in the past


and may we meet in a  fateful moment
before one of us had decided to curve out the best for themselves
both us raw and vulnerable
and may we heal together 

হটাৎ যেন মনে হলো

হটাৎ যেন মনে হলো , আমার পাশে তুমি 

শৌখীন কলমকারীর চাদরের তলায় শৌখিনতরো তুমি 

আধো ঘুমে আর মন উদাসের আমেজে 

মনে হলো হটাৎ সব কাঁটাতার পেরিয়ে আমার পাশে এসে শুয়েছ  তুমি 

কোলবালিশের প্রতিবন্ধক পেরিয়ে তোমার উষ্ণতা 

আসচ্ছিলো ভেসে , পাচ্ছিলাম ঘ্রাণ তোমার সুপরিচিত ঘনিষ্ঠতার 

তাও সংকোচ  লাগছিলো , পাশ ফিরে তাকিয়ে মিটিয়ে নিতে সন্দেহ 

মরীচিকা তো আজকে নয়, অনেকদিন  এর সঙ্গী আমার!!

ঠিক করলাম তাকাবোই না , থাকলে থাকবে 

মনের বিভ্রাম হোক বা অতিপ্রাকৃত নির্বন্ধ

মনের মানুষ কাছে এলে ঠেলতে নেই , কৌতুহলের বশে 

ভয় হয় - যদি লক্ষীর মতো উল্টো পায়ে যায় পালিয়ে ?

ভাঙলো যখন ঘুম আবার, চ্ছিলে না তুমি আর পাশে 

ক্ষনেকের আশকারা দিয়ে কান ধরে কাজে বসালাম মনকে আবার 

hotath tahar jonne

হঠাৎ  তাহার জন্যে , লিখিতে  হইলো কাব্য
কাব্যের দ্বারা প্রকাশিলাম হৃদয়ের বক্তব্য
কাঁদিয়া কাঁটিয়া একাকার করে হাঁপুস নয়নে শেষে
মনের মানুষ দিলাম সঁপিয়া অজানা নিরুদ্দেশে

কেনই যে হয় বুকের ব্যামো , রসিক অন্তর্যামী !
সবি ওনার অলীক লীলা - দৈবিক বাঁদরামি !
এর চেয়ে বোধহয় বান্দর হলে থাকতো বেশি এলেম
ধিঙ্গি নেচে সেলাম ঠুকে নিতাম তাহার পেরেম

মানবজন্ম ওভাররেটেড মস্ত এক যন্ত্রণা
পরের জন্মে কুকুর হইয়ো = মোক্ষলাভের মন্ত্রণা 

in an ideal world

In an ideal world, I would ask

For you to pour out your heart's content

To take off that apparent mask

Open the locks of your mind and to vent

Is it really true - the way I feel you do?

Or is my mind weaving tales around my fantasy?

I sense the tension when you come close - do you too?

Or is it an false sensation generated by an cognizance hazy?

In an ideal world I would ask that and settle the account

One way or the other - profit or bankruptcy

Walk out and away , with sticthes and new self-pities found

Or scream in pleasure and dance in ecstacy

In an ideal world I would all the above mentioned stuff

But my sensitive sacred heart keeps bleeding withour answers - in it self imposes bluff

while I take a break

Bubbling up through the stream of consciousness

Are random thoughts from forgotten past

Almost too real , still raw and fresh

Who knew how long bittersweet memories could last!!

There was a day when a younger me

Was searching through the darkness of the bar

To suddenly glance upon the most beautiful pair I could see

Of deep dark eyes shining bright as a star

That walk of the angel l, from the door to me

Stopped all time, as I wished in despair,

"Yes its me" - tremble wasn't hard see

And angel smiled at me with a frindly stare

What happened next is a tale too long

To be told when I take a break from fixing  a work presentation gone wrong!!

bright days

The brightest days remind you of them

those embraces stuck in time and space

that make no sense in realities realm

but helps you survive life with grace

you remember when a few words were said

and peonies bloomed all over your heart

when you craved for a kiss before it all went fade

and the games of practicality had to restart

or you can feel the accidental touch

that brushed your hand with golden hue

you weren't sure if you had a bit too much

so you assumed it was too good to be true

and now when you try hard to be grateful for

just those moments that nurture the soul

a soft numb clenching, a silenced roar

still try  to consume your existence whole

These bright sunny days! i wish they weren't as good

Sometimes it's the perfect recipe for a pensive mood

the sexiness of the unavailable

i know, throughout the history of romanticism
this topic has been the center of intellectual discourse
and surviving the failed attempts at cures or exorcism
it still continues to plague the human heart with a grand force

now a pretty average human, good but not so great
suddenly one loud evening creeps their way into your mind
and nestles there in a constant unrequited state
they are unavailable, but yet very sweet and super kind

now you might be spending hours waiting for that special message
weaving dreams of serendipitous accidents that would eliminate all hurdles
but disappointing indifference is your only gain with time's inevitable passage
while they have a blissful life, full of merriment and cuddles

the amount of brains chemicals burnt could have created a mind  sound and stable
instead, it spends all the productive hours deciphering the sexiness of the unavailable

travel benefits

Travel keeps me away from the cold

The weather and the hearts

The kind of coldness that breeds from proximity

And off too much familiarity

The kind that threatens to set one free

To crack the walls 

And take away the catharsis 

Of self pity and a cruel world

Life feeds off pain 

It needs a wound 

One that is occasionally unwrapped and made fresh

As an offering to the Algos

These travels are a brief respite

From the travails of my being.

racing thoughts and acceptance of facts

One of the greatest strengths about growing up, is the ability to see things for what they really are - the bare naked truth about facts which more often are less romantic than our optimistic(or fearful) minds are willing to accept. And it is liberating - like a cloud clearing up and consciousness shining bright.
Being in a constant denial about reality has been part of my existence for a long time. Denial of both good and bad (and essentially unique) about me. the good - I have smart analytical mind that latches on sentiments and does a very efficient and often accurate analysis of a situation; the bad - I have a highly sensitive self doubting brain, jaded with many past apprehensions that came true, that it is constantly on guard and analyzing a constant stream of events looking for triggers(clinical term for this being often referred to as anxiety). "Did I just offend them", "what did they mean when they said X", "Did they just say a mean thing to me disguised as banter", Does my boss think I suck at my job", "Did the hotel staff just had a repulsive tone in their voice because they think they are entitled to behaving unprofessionally with me because of my skin color"- all this stemming from minute interactions that my brain has latched on to. Almost in all cases, for the subjects, it is just a fleeting moment in their life - but for the anxious, these keep running in a loop.

How to break the loop - i don't know the answer yet! However, few techniques have helped me a little towards betterment

• see things for what they are and accept it, even if it isn't the most palatable - for example person A does not like you (or despises you) even though you really want them to like you, you messed up job B, person C is a genuine person trying to make a connection and hence deserves a detached chance, person D and you (once often publicly declared by D as buddies for life)have grown apart, You did GREAT at job C, you a perfect normal human being with follies and stupidity and extreme intelligence and creativity and genuine empathy and uniquely YOU
• Lower expectations - often mentioned, difficult to follow through. Rely on no one, expect nothing - be grateful if something nice shows up once in a while but have no attachment to it. Take life at its present moment, enjoy and spread love and affection, and then distance yourself from the experience
• Root yourself in YOU - the most favorable grounds for true blooming of your soul. Cities, jobs, people, pets, weather , the favorite tea cup, eyesight, etc everything might  "fail" or abandon you - but one thing that you CAN control  is your behavior. Take pills , do yoga , go to counselling but get that self-love flowing unabashed 
• remember these two Stoic phrases -  MEMENTO MORI and AMOR FATI 

The days it snows

when it snows it knocks on the doors
the ones you had locked and bolted very tight
the vault that stores past pains and sores
the ones that you want to forget outright

that one sharp word from the bully in school
that had pierced that impressionable heart so bad
or the love gone sour, the parting bloody and cruel
that kept you up for nights and made the  years very sad

it falls gently , but the knocks are pretty loud
the doors get rattled by slightest of force
they struggles very hard to hold back the dark cloud
the suppressed angst with a moan quiet and hoarse

the days when it snows it knocks on the doors
its lonely fight fighting the relentless force

bye bye stranger

When it was supposed to be difficult

Like one of accidents where a corkscrew was inserted into you heart

And the extraction went wrong 

And you had to really twist and turn to shred it out of you heart

It was supposed to heal very very slow

Or never at all

But seeing you for who you are ,In a blinding flash of the obvious ,last night

I think the necessity of the painful procedure has been made obsolete

Now there shall be merriment

Hugs with utmost inauthenticity and ingratitude!!

Making sure I don't stay too long lest I miss

The stranger possibly waiting for being your replacement on my ghosting app

Good bye was never meant to be this detached

It's almost like a cathartic wish now - to lose someone and feel it

Binder

All of us who seek true love, know the existence of Binder - the app dedicated to enriching the lives of mostly gay men and other non-cis non-het queers folks. It has intertwined itself to our lives to the extent that the first thing a lot of us check after waking up in the morning is not anymore, our Facebook feed, but the Binder tap and message list to see if you previous night's drunk taps and messages succeeded in the paving the path to our next truest love.

There are some confusing messages off course - the most prevalent type being a shirtless torso with the claim of "looking for true love". Or people seeking connections but refusing to start a conversation - possibly they are seeking connection once certain criteria , which can be confirmed by pictures of face and other body parts, is met. However, that is not very apparent from their profile description and many a  innocent unqualified men have sacrificed their self-esteem on this altar to falsehood.

There is some discretion asked for and displayed some times too - which is not surprising given being queer and out about it is still not considered in many parts of the world still There are bigots in positions of power who might use their personal biases to cause you harm and there are no laws preventing a lot of it from happening. But still, some of these connection seekers have a strange sense of entitlement - they could actually go the extent of asking very intimate questions and asking for pictures of every body-part( am waiting for the day someone would ask for e full-body x-ray, but anywho), without feeling the need to reveal their face.

One would assume, being constantly bombarded by hate and indifference in the cishet world, one would find some solace and empathy in the BInder app - one could not be further from the truth.

Denver Bitter

A place of Honey - with Bitter extracts
Confusing?Indeed!Let me lay down the facts!

Familiar faces whom you might have known for days
Would walk right past you with an unfamiliar gaze

the ones' on whom productive hours were spent
    Socializing on social apps which specialise on sex
Would have a stranger's stare if you smile by accident
    An amnesia that is pretty bewildering and comlex!

With rising levels of alcohol in bloodstreams
Some changes might appear, as if in your dreams
An unrequited desert might give you a wink
But dont be fooled - it is not what you might think
(Not that i have not been fooled before
by taking the wrong cue, i was handed a rejection sore)

So be there with known friends and rehearse your pretenses
Shut out your emotions and build your defenses
Chug a few down and unfasten a few shirt buttons
unleash your social self as you cajole with the fellow gluttons

And if you survived with an unhurt heart (and unscarred self-esteem too)
Denver Bitter might start tasting Sweet to you!!